5 Weird Patents For Things You Don’t Need
They say ideas are a dime a dozen, whose “they”? Doesn’t matter. The point is everyone has ideas but only a few act on them by building something, and even fewer actually take the steps to file a patent but, this doesn’t mean those ideas are good.
Despite this the United States Patent and Trademark Office might still grant their patent protecting their ideas for at least 20 years… even if they’re weird and useless.
So here are 5 truly weird/useless ideas:
1. Hiding Your Bald Spot
Patent US4022227A - Method of Concealing Partial Baldness
Issued 1975; Expired 1994
Most people will eventually go bald but these days there are ways to slow down the process or stop it completely, back in 1975 Frank J. Smith and Donald J. Smith had their own solution. See, Frank and Donald felt the solutions for going bald at the time; which were hair transplants, hair weaving, and hairpieces were a bit too expensive.
Their idea was a cheap and easy one and, more importantly, you could do it with stuff you already have at home. Specifically with the stuff on your head because their patented “idea” was a combover.
Before
After… Magic!
I’m not sure what the patent office was thinking when they approved this but it doesn’t appear anything ever came from it and I’m not sure how something could.
According to the patent in order for this “style” to work the hair on the side of your head had to be 3-4 inches long. You then divide your hair into three equal parts and fold them over the bald spot to give the illusion of hair.
Why You Don’t Need It
Hats exist.
2. Escaping a Building Fire
Patent US221855A - Improvement in fire-escapes
Issued 1879; Expired 1896
Luckily most people won’t ever have to experience being trapped in a burning building but back in the 19th century it was all the accidental rage. As cities were growing and more flammable and combustible items were being used in wooden buildings, fires tended to break out way more often.
In 1879 B.B. Oppenheimer realized that people needed a better way of escaping a burning building. This was about 8 years before a version of the modern fire escape was patented so residents were left with using planks tied to a rope or just really hoping they never knew they were fire-proof. Unfortunately, I don’t think Oppenheimer’s idea was a great one…
Look at his face, he knows this is a terrible idea
In his patent application, Oppenheimer states the parachute is about four or five feet wide and is suitable to “safely jump out of a window of a burning building from any height.” I’m pretty sure “safely” is being used in the loosest of senses in that sentence.
A parachute is designed to slow your fall by resisting the force of gravity pulling you down. When you’re falling and you open one there’s a sudden amount of force applied to the thing holding onto the parachute, usually your body.
If there’s one place I wouldn’t want to be attaching a parachute and having all that force applied to, it’s my neck. At best you’ll be left with a severe spinal injury and at worst, you’ve hanged yourself in mid-air.
Why You Don’t Need It
You want to live.
3. Giving Yourself a High Five
Patent US5356330A - Apparatus for Simulating a “High Five”
Issued 1993 Expired 2013
Have you ever been psyched about something like a sporting event or just something cool that happened and you felt the unnecessary need to high-five someone?
What if you’re by yourself or if you have an even number of friends around so they high-five each other and forget about you? Maybe your friends have a one high-five per bitchin’ event so they can’t high-five you directly. But, you know what, who needs them? You have our next invention…
The actual patent application goes into an unbelievable 8 long paragraph description of a high-five and never once describes this invention as a novelty device.
The most striking part of the description is the author’s, Albert Cohen’s, suggestion to replace the hand portion with a replica of the sports player you want to high-five. He doesn’t suggest how to get that player to give up an exact copy of their hand though.
“Gunna need you not to move”
Why You Don’t Need It
You have two hands
4. Knowing When You Run Someone Over
Patent US6784792B2 - Method and device for recognition of a collision with a pedestrian
Issued 2000 Expired 2021
Let’s say you’re driving down a road, minding your own business when you hear a loud thud come from under your car. You realize you’ve hit something but you’re not quite sure what you hit.
Sure, you could try to listen for sounds, and maybe that person screaming out in pain or begging for help under your car means you hit a person… But you can’t be 100% sure you actually hit a human being.
Luckily back in 2000 “ingenious” inventors Bernhard Mattes and Gottfried Flik filed a patent for sensors that specifically tell you if you hit a person. According to the patent filing, there would be at least one sensor on the bumper and one on the front edge of the engine hood.
You gotta run over the person with your entire car for it to work
But a pretty big question pops up immediately. How would the sensor know the difference between hitting a person or hitting something else? Well, don’t worry Mattes and Flik figured it out and write in the patent, “the pressures or deformations measured by the sensor… are compared with reference quantities typical of impact with a pedestrian.”
Pretty sure that means the sensor is going to need a lot of practice hitting people in order to get those reference quantities.
Why You Don’t Need It
If you’re driving, chances are you can hear and see
5. Breathing Around Toxic Smoke
Patent US4320756A - Fresh-air breathing device and method
Issued 1981 Expired 2001
Okay, let’s say you’re stuck in a burning building and you’ve discovered your head parachute has a tear in it. As your room fills with smoke and you’re running out of fresh air, what is your best option for air? According to inventor William Holmes, stick a tube in the toilet and attach it to your face.
Does fresh have to mean sanitary?
In his application, Holmes details the rash of hotel fires and surmises the best way to get fresh air in your apartment is to breathe it from the toilet.
Looking at the drawing in his application I can’t help but notice that the tube where the water would fall when flushed (figure 13) is connected to the tube where you would get your fresh air (figure 15). As you’re taking a big whiff of fresh air, what happens when someone on a floor above you flushes their toilet…
Why You Don’t Need It
You don’t want shit and piss water clogging up your fresh air tube.
Bonus!
Since we’re nearing the holidays, specifically Christmas, here’s an extra Christmas patent you don’t need.
Patent US5523741A - Santa Claus Detector
Issued 1994 Expired 2014
You’ve probably already guessed what this one is since you can definitely read if you’ve gotten this far in the page. Essentially it’s a device that can be placed in various objects and hidden with a string of light, although inventor Thomas Cane recommends it be placed in a stocking.
Also doubles as a useless stocking stuffer!
The reason this is a bonus is mainly that in his application, Thomas very clearly calls it a novelty device. He knows no one actually needs this bullshit. It’s a string of lights that light up when Santa is coming.
This means you’ll literally only ever use it once per year for a few seconds because those damn kids better be in bed by the time it lights up!
